On a dark damp street where the rain felt like small daggers stinging as they hit her face, a child stands and cry's.
Her mother drunk and swaying is trying desperately to "shoosh" her so "daddy doesn't hear you crying and get annoyed". Is she tired, cold, wet? No. Her mother just staggered up the drive, along the path to the front door and bounced right onto her. Sending her flying into the white rough cast where her wee head grated down the wall. Pain seering through her but not wanting to "upset daddy" she tries hopelessly to control the hot salty tears filling her eyes and spilling down her cold cheeks.
Daddy opened the door after hearing the crash that caused the dog to bark and alert him to their return. He sees the full sorry scene before him. Wife lying in a heap on the slabs smelling of cheap vodka and cigarettes looking like she's done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, 3 year old daughter clutching her head, blood seeping through her delicate wee fingers and down onto the pink fluffy clown jacket. He scooped his wee girl up in one whoosh and held her tightly telling her "everything will be ok hen". He turns to the heap on the slabs and spits "look at the fucking state of you! You can fuck your own life up but don't ever bring my wain back in that state again!".
But she did. It was not the first time that wee girl would be dragged out in the hail, rain or shine under the pretence she was away to some "Aunties" so her mother could get smashed and unfortunately it would not be the last! It would however be the first time she remembered and in fact her first ever memory!
How do I know all this? Well if you hand guessed I was that child crying in the rain! Some kids remember playing with specific toys, going to the park or a special birthday but no, not me! My childhood was filled with feast and famine not unlike many others I knew but none of my pals had an alcoholic mother, a father In denial and an Uncle who sexually abused her.
This is my story and I'm telling it my way and in my own words. I'm not doing this for sympathy or some kind of special treatment. If I'm totally honest I'm hoping that writing all this down will give me some sort of peace and a sense of closure. This won't be all rainbows and unicorns but it's real, it's mine and it's me.
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