As much as I have had a hard time growing up I was never ever a "bad" kid. In fact compared to most of my friends I was a fucking angel! School was ok, I wasn't majorly intelligent but I also wasn't thick. I knew doing well at school was my key to escaping my troubles. Like many others with a less than ideal home life I had a plan. I was going to do well at school and get a wee part time job so I could save for going to University.
When I was 15 my cousin (mums side) got me a job in Oliver's the bakers. I was paid the massive sum of £2.64 per hour which back then wasn't too bad. I was to work a Saturday and Sunday and "occasionally" a shift during the week. I was 5foot 9, skinny, had no confidence and felt like a freak every time I went to work. All my workmates were of a similar age or a bit older and seemed to have great lives! We were all under 18 but they were out every Friday and Saturday night at the local pubs and clubs. I on the other hand was still drinking in the local park with my pals. I would bounce home, a little bit drunk from drinking Merrydown cider and because both my parents were sitting drinking I was never once caught! They were totally oblivious to my park drinking unlike my friends parents who seemed to catch them all the time. It made me think I was good at "hiding it" when in fact my parents were just too pished to notice!
Oliver's was great for me. It was my first experience of independence and being given any real responsibility. The job was shit and the manager treated us like dogs but I was good at chatting to the customers and got on well with my coworkers. On a Sunday my cousin was sole supervisor and we got away with murder! She let us eat whatever we wanted and because the shopping centre didn't open till 12 we basically sat around eating, chatting and just chilling until the customers finally arrived. It was then that my cousin began to realise all was not rosey for me at home. I opened up to her about mums drinking and how that i was always on the end of physical or verbal abuse. I told her my plan to save as much as possible and go to university. She tried to help me by giving me extra shifts during the week. Unfortunately because I was working a lot my mum realised how much money I was making (like literally only £26 a week!!) and would demand to "borrow" it from me. I never saw it again and when I asked for it or mentioned that she "owed me money" she would reply "you owe me your life!" Like I'd asked to be fucking born??!!
Olivers began to get worse. My cousin went off on maternity leave and they brought in someone who has no clue how to run a bath let along a restaurant! I left there and got a job in Sainsbury's. It was closer to home and better money, not that I told my mum about the money. I met and learned to work with older people (I was 17 so everyone past 30 was old to me lol!!). I started to go out with my friends. My mum knew we were heading to the local pubs but we went in a group of four and never got too drunk.
It was around this time that things took a turn for the worse for me. Not happy that I was becoming more independent and doing things for myself with my own friends my mum started to bully me. She would purposely pick a fight before I was due to go out anywhere, and knew that my whole night would essentially be ruined as I would be secretly worrying about what she would say or do to me when I went home. It was a fucked up way or trying to control me and my dad never once noticed or even knew. I was due to sit my exams so I cut back some of my shifts so I could study. She went nuts but this time in front of my dad! She said I should be taking all the shifts in could as it was money. Dad stepped in and said my exams were much more important than money and why should she care because she wasn't "getting any of it". She exploded at him! Saying she was my mother and does everything for me while she gave up everything to have so is entitled to some of it! He calmly reminded her that he gives her housekeeping money and if she wanted more SHE could get a job! After their argument she didn't speak to me for three days, like it was all my fault and dad was nothing to do with it. The silent treatment because a theme of punishment for me over the years. Dad would stick up for me or I would agree with him on something and I'd be ignored for days. It was like walking on eggshells, never knowing what she was going to do.
One particularly bad argument my parents had "about me" was when I was invited to the Sainsbury's Christmas night out. Dad had also been invited to his works night out and she was raging with me that she would be on her own that night! I was getting it tight from her all day until dad came home and told her if she wanted to go on a works night out then maybe she should get a job! Again another explosion and again the aftermath was directed at me even though I hadn't said anything.
I did have some light at the end of the tunnel though. I'd been invited through to Glasgow to interview for a place at Caledonian University for their nursing course! I was so pleased and excited! Both my parents were proud and just wanted me to do well. For all her faults I know my mum did love me she just didn't know how to deal with her own feelings and demons and passed it onto me. I passed the interview and was given an unconditional offer to start that September! I was moving to the big city and could NOT wait!!
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